The research of Dr. Ed Tronick (famous for the "Still Face" experiment and featured in our Keystones Curriculum) suggests that even in healthy, secure parent-child relationships, parents are fully attuned and "in sync" with their children only about 20-30% of the time. The other 70% - the mismatches, repairs, and independent time - is actually where resilience is built.

Some parents may need reassurance that attunement isn't possible, or expected, 100% of the time. Others may need you to help them find new ways to create attunement and build a closer connection. That means that your advice around attunement will certainly vary based on what you see in the room. Here are some tips to help.

For parents who need to know that the goal isn't to always be available

• Explain that stepping away isn't just "okay" - it is a requirement for the child's development of autonomy.
• Emphasize that when a parent is constantly available, they unknowingly act as the child's external regulator. When the parent steps away (to cook, work, or rest), the child is gently forced to practice internal regulation.
• Try saying something like,
  
  • "It's important for your child to see you busy and engaged in other things - not only so they know what drives you and brings you joy outside of them, but also so that they can practice and strengthen their own sense of control, action, and soothing."
  • "When you are busy washing dishes or sending an email, and they have to wait or entertain themselves, that is exactly the moment they are building the muscle of independence. You aren't ignoring them; you are giving them space to become capable."

For parents who may need some help getting attuned to their children

• Explain how moments of attunement - when caregivers notice, interpret, and respond to a child's cues - build a foundation for strong relationships and healthy brain development.
• Acknowledge how busy and hectic life at home can get, and that moments where they aren't able to pay attention to their child are normal and OK.
• Try saying something like,
  
  • "When you notice what your child is doing and join in on that play, you help them to feel connected and special. That builds your relationship and lets them know how much you love them."
  • "A few minutes a day when you put your phone away, stop working or cleaning, and just enjoy time with your child is so important for them. It helps them with all the skills they are learning, and to feel safe when so much is new. It doesn't need to be long, and it should be fun. Reading a book together, making silly faces, sharing a snack, or just playing in the bath are great ways to try this. There is no pressure."

Stay tuned for more from Dr. Tronick in an upcoming collaboration just for providers like you.